The Art of Listening

One of the most common topics my Men’s Breakfast Meeting addresses is the importance of listening. Listening plays such a critical role in relationships that one frequent group participant—who was obviously attentively listening—suggested I write about it for the blog. (Thanks, Ben!) This topic arises so often that I was easily convinced to take up the task.

The Men’s Breakfast Meeting addresses the needs of spouses/partners and helps them navigate the best ways to be available to their significant others as they traverse the challenging road of a cancer diagnosis. As many of you know, this group is one of the highlights of my month. I am continuously moved by the sensitivity, generosity, and kindness the men show to one another. Their commitment to continue to pay it forward many years beyond their partner’s diagnosis is unparalleled.

Men in the group frequently express a sense of helplessness. That frustration is often followed by an instinct to try to “fix it” that may overshadow their concern for their partner’s well-being and the threat and fear of potential loss. This type of dynamic can challenge a healthy, stable relationship. When you add a cancer diagnosis to the situation, it becomes even more difficult to manage.
Many years ago, one of the participants in this group shared that what he learned most from this experience was to “shut up and listen” and that the act of doing so was perhaps among the greatest gifts he could offer his wife. He infused the practice into their relationship as a whole, and it significantly improved their connection. She felt heard.

The author and educator Stephen R. Covey conveyed this beautifully:
“Active listening is a skill that everyone doesn’t practice. When someone asks you to listen, you should listen with all your heart and mind, not to reply, not to give advice (unless they ask you to), not to give your own opinion, and not to wander off, just to listen because that is all they want from you.

It is unknown how much it means to them when you just sincerely listen. You never know how your one divided attention through listening can help someone to the extent that it can lessen their burden.”

We tend to forget the impact of active listening. Whether we’re dealing with a spouse, partner, or close friend, most of us think we need to “do something” in order to be active or helpful. Indeed, the “Art of Listening” is an active process. It’s about being present, which is priceless. It does not require a response or the need to provide a solution. Instead, it provides a safe space where the other person feels heard without judgment. The listener does not need to understand the feelings the speaker expresses but instead recognize that the other person is in distress. The actual words/ thoughts may not be rational, but it is critical to understand the intensity of the emotions behind them. Preston Cameron published a reflection on this notion: “The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s feelings.”

Listening can benefit both your personal and professional relationships. Listening is not a skill that most of us are taught; it is a skill that is acquired. It assists in building trust with someone. It reinforces relationships. And when you are supporting a loved one through breast reconstruction, feeling helpless, like there is nothing you can do, it just may be the best gift you receive.